her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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