I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
