Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize