the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
