i wish my penis had a tongue
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
