why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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