Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
