just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
