yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
