where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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