its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
