they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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