Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
