I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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