I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
