I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
