We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize