can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
