I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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