I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
