Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
