the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
