You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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