i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
