Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
