My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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