in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
