watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
