Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
