You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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