I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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