I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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