i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
