YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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