the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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