He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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