Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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