so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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