that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize