My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
