put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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