forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
this hospital has no fireball
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
