nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
