so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
