He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
