his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
