I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize