I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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