When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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