Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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