You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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