i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
