I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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