Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
