I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
